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“When I let go of what I am, I become what I could have been.” ~Lao Tzu
For many years, I remained deeply connected to spiritual communities—satsangs, meditation centers, ashrams, and groups focused on positivity, service, and personal growth. These places gave me a sense of comfort, community, and purpose. But they also shaped something inside me that I couldn’t fully recognize until much later:
I had built my self-esteem around being a “good person.”
On the surface, it seems harmless. Who doesn’t want to be nice, kind and helpful? But looking back, I realize that the pressure I placed on myself – and the pressure I felt from others – gradually became a source of stress, guilt, and confusion.
And it all became clear during an unexpected moment.
The day my identity as a good person was revealed
The meditation center I attended was hosting a sage visiting from India. Like many spiritual centers, volunteers (called seva, meaning “selfless service”) helped support the event. Service is believed to come from the heart – not from obligation – only doing what you can, no matter how much or little.
But during that program, a person I considered a friend – someone who was also working for the center – became extremely upset that my wife and I were not volunteering as much as he thought we should.
He raised his voice. He tried to blame us. He made me feel like I was doing something wrong because I didn’t live up to his expectations.
I remember standing there stunned. This was a man who meditated daily, talked about compassion, and helped run a spiritual center — yet in that moment, he was reacting from a place of pressure, judgment, and frustration. And honestly, I was like that too. I felt the urge to defend myself, explain myself, or somehow prove that I was giving enough.
That experience shook me more deeply than I expected.
It asked me:
Why did his decision affect me so much?
Feeling like I have a good personality
After reflecting on the experience, something uncomfortable stood out:
I had been trying to be a “good person” for years – not for myself, but for approval.
In a spiritual environment, you see a lot of people trying their best: being kind, meditating, serving, speaking positively. These are beautiful intentions. But sometimes, without realizing it, we start measuring ourselves as follows:
- how much we meditate
- how much we volunteer
- how positive we seem
- How spiritual do other people think we are?
- How “selfless” we appear
And on the other hand, we start to admire those who seem to do more:
- more service
- retreat more
- more hours of meditation
- more spiritual experiences
Slowly, subtly, a kind of spiritual scoreboard is built in the mind.
And without noticing, you start feeling guilty for relaxing, saying no, having boundaries, and not meeting others’ expectations.
You start comparing. You start doubting yourself. If you are not constantly giving you start to feel “less spiritual”.
And in my case, I realized that I was afraid of looking selfish or unkind if I didn’t help enough.
The truth was:
I was not reacting to my friend. I was reacting to the part of me that needed to look good.
How does the identity of a good person create pressure?
When you get stuck in “good guy” identity, you may notice:
- You say yes even when you’re tired.
- You help others but feel resentment later.
- You feel guilty about setting boundaries.
- You worry what people will think if you “don’t perform enough.”
- You feel responsible for meeting everyone else’s expectations.
You may also feel afraid of disappointing others—especially in an environment where niceness is emphasized.
But goodness motivated by guilt is not really goodness.
It is self-sacrifice without self-awareness.
Turning Point: Allowing Yourself to Be Human
After that experience, I sat with an uncomfortable truth:
I was trying hard to be good so that people would accept me.
Neither my friend nor I was a bad person. We were both operating from untested assumptions.
So I started asking myself:
Who am I when I’m not trying to be a good person?
Can I allow myself to be honest instead of perfect?
Can I offer help lovingly rather than forcefully?
Can I set boundaries without guilt?
Gradually, I began to let go of the identity that said:
“Your value depends on how much you give.”
What letting go really looks like
Losing the identity of a good person does not mean becoming selfish or careless.
This means:
- Helping when your heart is open, not when you’re afraid of judgment
- Saying no without apologizing for your limitations
- letting yourself relax
- Allowing others to have their own opinions
- Understanding that your value is non-negotiable
- Being honest rather than putting on a spiritual show
- And the biggest one: the realization that you don’t need to earn love or approval by proving your goodness.
When goodness becomes natural rather than imposed, it becomes deeper, more authentic, and more free.
what i learned
That moment at the meditation center became a door. This showed me that:
Spirituality is not measured by how much you give.
Compassion includes compassion for oneself.
True service comes from freedom, not from fear.
Boundaries are an act of love, not selfishness.
Being authentic is more important than being “good.”
And most importantly:
You don’t have to be a “good person.” You just have to be real.
About Paul Wong
Paul Wong is the founder of Chinese Energetics™, a methodology he has been practicing for over fifteen years to help high-performing professionals release chronic stress and insecurities rooted in generational and early life imprints. Their work supports the return of clarity, emotional stability and grounded inner strength. Paul offers live workshops, online classes and personalized sessions. Learn more here www.chineseenergetics.com Or contact him at paul@chineseenergetics.com.
