“Being a people pleaser may be more than a personality trait; it may be a response to severe trauma.” ~Alex Bachert
Growing up in a home, school, and church that valued good behavior, self-discipline, and corporal punishment, I was a model child. There could have been an American Girl doll designed in my name – the well-behaved church girl with the nineties hair bow version.
I was quiet and pleasant and was never sent to the principal’s office. Complaining and “ugly” feelings were not allowed. Although I was very quarrelsome and “rebellious” as a child, all that disappeared from my personality when I started going to school.
I had no other option. Even if I had the slightest feeling that someone was angry with me, I felt insecure in my own body. This was enough to subdue the rebel within me, at least for several years.
I adopted this pattern into adulthood. I found myself in jobs with supervisors who did things without thinking at every opportunity. I worked extra hard more than anyone else to stay out of trouble. When my coworkers were yelled at for their mistakes, they would laugh happily – but when the anger was directed at me, I would be consumed with anxiety.
How could my coworkers handle our manager’s anger, but I felt angry for hours afterward?
It took me years to discover the answer – that some of us are wired from a young age to develop a deep fear of losing our sense of belonging and security in our relationships. To deal with this fear, we develop strategies to protect ourselves, which for some people becomes a habit of people pleasing.
There is a clear common denominator for people pleasers – feeling grateful to others. You put your own needs last and feel obliged to manage everyone else’s happiness. You are extremely sensitive to being judged, embarrassed, and rejected. You worry about what other people think about you. You overextend yourself to be helpful. When you dare to stand up for yourself, you become plagued with anxiety and guilt.
When you don’t pay attention to these patterns and change them, you can eventually feel resentment, frustration, and anger. This compromises your emotional and physical well-being and contributes to an extreme feeling of powerlessness.
And it lights a blazing fire under your ass.
Because we are not responsible for playing with other people’s emotions.
We do not owe anyone comfort.
We do not deserve the emotional expressions of others, unhealed trauma, or misdirected anger.
Our time, energy and well-being are not appropriate for conversation.
And we don’t deserve guilt-inducing manipulation.
In truth, we can’t control how other people show up in our relationships, but we can change our patterns of powerlessness and take back our lives, and it doesn’t have to compromise our genuine desire to care for others.
brain rot
It’s no secret what you’d rather do than take on the burden of responsibility that comes with pleasing people.
You need to set boundaries, speak your truth, be more confrontational, use your voice to advocate for yourself, separate your feelings from those of others, and put your needs first.
The question arises that what is hindering you in taking this step?
Although you may feel the need to change your patterns through strong willpower or greater self-discipline, this is not the answer.
You don’t need to read useless books about “how to take hold of life” or “how to grow some balls” (ugh, disgusting!).
You don’t have to struggle with debilitating anxiety or guilt.
You don’t have to give up your generosity or empathy to take back your power in one-sided relationships.
You don’t need to be “thicker skinned” or less “sensitive.” (Your sensitivity is a Gift.)
Here’s a little-known truth about people pleasing – it’s a learned pattern that gets “turned on” over and over again in your unconscious mind.
Whether it’s avoiding conflict, being quiet when you need to tell the truth, or feeling guilty, people pleasing is a survival strategy. And there is a set of all survival strategies automatic Behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that are triggered repeatedly Unknowingly.
In a way, you don’t have full control over what your people-pleasing habits look like. This is why simply “trying harder” doesn’t work, because you can’t beat the speed at which your unconscious mind patterns are changing.
Ninety percent of what we manifest in life is unconscious and based on our past. Your brain needs to conserve energy, so it’s automating its decisions, behaviors, and emotions for you. Consider your bad habits as filth in your mind.
Every time a habit of people-pleasing comes up, your brain is following the same neural pathways, deepening the grooves, just as dirt paths will naturally form over time if you keep walking on grass.
This well-worn path seems safer and easier than walking on the wild, untamed grass, which feels unfamiliar, dangerous and risky to deal with – you fear being judged, embarrassed or rejected there. The thought of standing up to one’s evil mother-in-law increases the anxiety.
But you’ve reached the point where you want to stay in the weeds. It represents the life you can live – taking up space, effortlessly putting your needs first, living in your joy, and feeling amazing in your emotional well-being.
So how do you take the leap into your “metaphorical meadow”?oh yes” life?
By sowing new seeds in your unconscious mind and watering them regularly.
plant seeds
If pleasing people was no longer a problem for you, what would be possible in your life?
Imagine a scenario where you have already reconfigured the pathways of your unconscious mind and you feel exactly how you want to feel, show up exactly how you want, and that’s it. Easy. You are confident, powerful, and unapologetic.
Whose rules will you stop following?
What borders will you set up surrounded by barbed wire?
Whose wrong feelings would you feel bulletproof against?
What responsibilities would you shamelessly abandon?
What kind of self-indulgence would you consider yourself?
What truths will spill from your mouth? (Truths are so electric you feel like you might explode if you don’t say them right away!)
There’s a reason fantasizing about our ideal life is so intoxicating. We “believe” what we imagine because a part of our brain doesn’t know the difference between real and imaginary. This is why we are emotionally drawn to TV and movies. You realize this is acting, right?
When the critical thinking part of your brain is quieted – as it is when you’re engaging in a good story – you’re accessing your unconscious mind, where all habits are formed. This is where we are most influenced, influenced and sold by ideas.
To get out of the people pleasing mind trap, you need to plant a seed in your unconscious mind to “influence” yourself to show up the way you want in your life. With repetition, these seeds help form new neural pathways, making it possible to be your best self at home, at work, and in your community.
One of the most powerful ways to plant seeds is to visualize in a deeply relaxed state of mind. Here are some tips on how to get started.
Start in the right frame of mind
Visualization works best when you are feeling relaxed and at peace in your body. If you’re actively motivated, self-regulate your emotions before jumping into visualization.
A quick and easy way to do this is to combine breathing exercises with stimulation of acupressure points on your wrists. Grab one wrist with the opposite hand and squeeze. Take a big breath, hold your breath at the top for a few seconds and then exhale twice as long. Repeat two to three times. Once you feel good and stable, find a quiet place without distractions so you can focus and go inward.
get specific
The brain works in very specific, limited ways. If you want to be a badass who lives life on your own terms, what does that actually look like? Imagine yourself in specific places, doing specific things, feeling a certain way about it. Focus on tasks like speaking your truth, facing people, feeling confident, setting boundaries, etc.
Repetition matters
Your brain needs enough new information about who you want to become in order to generalize to the changes happening in your life. You don’t need to imagine for long periods of time – two to three minutes at a time is enough, but be sure to make it part of your daily routine. Try starting with a few times a week.
water the seeds
Take actions in real life that support the person you are becoming. Your brain and nervous system are always learning and adapting when exposed to new methods. It’s like proving yourself yes i can do it. Start with small steps. Choose places where you want to put yourself first and practice using your voice to advocate for yourself. Be determined to do this—the confidence and courage you crave will emerge naturally.
About Chrissy Loveman
Chrissy Loveman is a neuroscience-savvy life coach. She works with the conscious and unconscious mind to create deep, lasting change. bring him free toolkit To begin your inner work journey.
