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“You can’t talk your way into finding love. You can only show up and trust that the right person will love what you get.”
Finding the unmarked door, I stepped into a dimly lit room pulsating with that “Love Jones” energy. Neo-soul played softly, red lights cast shadows on faces, and the bass line vibrated in my chest. It was a place where real conversations happened.
I was drinking a cocktail when he came to me. Dark eyes, slight smile, the kind of presence that makes you sit up straight. “What are you drinking?”
Within minutes, we moved beyond small talk and into deeper conversation. Where were we in our journey? What were our goals? What we really wanted. The conversation felt like an adult. Intentionally.
When he asked for my number and gave me his, my heart did something it hadn’t done in years. I swam out of that speakeasy.
The next day was Sunday—my reset day. I didn’t expect to hear from him right away. But till Wednesday the silence was deafening. Time flies when you’re busy helping others, and I’ve been busy all week.
I sent her a quick hello message, letting her know that I enjoyed our conversation and that I look forward to hearing from her. He never called.
I was astonished. He contacted me. He asked for my number. what I did wrong?
I took out my journal and replayed the night’s events frame by frame. What did I ask him? About his career. His family. His dreams for the future. All the right open-ended questions to attract someone and make them feel seen.
That’s when it hit me.
I am a high school counselor. I have a master’s degree and years of experience building relationships with teens and their families. People tell me that they are naturally attracted to me, I make them feel so safe that they can even be vulnerable. This is my gift.
But on that date, I was in consultant mode. I was so focused on connecting with That—asking questions, creating safety, facilitating depth—that I never stopped asking myself: Could I too want to connect To Him?
I wasn’t fake. I was authentically… professional. And this was the problem.
This was not a new thing. I thought about other dates. The lawyer talked about his divorce for forty minutes while I nodded sympathetically. When I asked thoughtful follow-up questions the teacher shared her dreams of starting a nonprofit. The musician who opened up about his complicated relationship with his father, while I held space for his feelings.
I left each date thinking it went well. But never once did I ask myself: Was I attracted to him? Did their values match my values? Did I enjoy the conversation or was I simply making it convenient?
I had no idea. Because I was too busy being good at my job.
This worked in my office. It didn’t work on dates. I wasn’t paying attention. I had to stop focusing on my professional skills and start getting real about what I really wanted.
i started reading to love bravely. Nightly journaling. Listening to Louise Hay. I am continuing my yoga practice. I wasn’t fake on a date, but I also didn’t know what I was looking for.
Once I know what I like about myself, I can articulate what I want in a partner. A true best friend who will travel with me, support my dreams and have dreams of his own. Someone who won’t try to control me or make me lose myself.
I’ve been down that road before. I decided that I would rather stay single than settle down.
So I had to work. Not on finding any man – on finding me.
I took a hard look at my past relationships. What all did I tolerate? Which I had ignored. What did I sacrifice to maintain peace? It became painfully obvious: I had become so focused on being chosen that I forgot I was even choosing.
I gave myself grace. I didn’t grow up in a two-parent home, so I didn’t have any relationship templates to reference. I was figuring out this self-love thing every day as I was living it.
It was not easy. But I knew my person wouldn’t knock on my door when I was busy performing for strangers.
I started dating myself. I didn’t wait to be told to dress up. I planned to celebrate my life.
I stopped accepting the invitation at the last minute. Someone who truly respects me will plan ahead, not assume I’m sitting at home waiting to be picked.
Changing my mindset from “being chosen” to “choosing” gave me the confidence to ask different questions on dates. What were you listening to in your car? Are you ready for marriage? Do you want children? I didn’t care if they thought I was too straight.
My online profile was honest about what I wanted while also showing my personality – silly, flirtatious, kind. When a connection transfers to a phone call, I set the tone: “Hey, we’re both looking for our person. If it doesn’t feel right — for either of us — then let’s call it quits respectfully.”
Most said they were satisfied with it. Some people probably meant this also.
For the first time, I was choosing to use my voice and set boundaries. And as hard as it was to say “No thanks,” I did.
I remember one date when we met for drinks after work. I don’t do dinner dates anymore—there’s no need to be stuck with the wrong person for so long. He was beautiful. The conversation went well. But my mind knew this was not a romantic match, and I was not looking for friends.
When he asked if he could walk me to my car, I said, “I’m actually going to have dinner at the bar.” He asked if I wanted company.
I said no.
The old man would have said yes out of politeness. Newly, I ordered wine and savored every bite of my meal alone. It was the first time I felt confident eating alone in public, and it felt powerful.
I didn’t want to marry anyone. I was looking for my person. And for this it was necessary to put myself first.
I started trying new things alone. I took a jewelry making class at community college – partly because I love jewelry, partly because who knows where you might meet one. It didn’t lead to love, but I met one of my now best friends.
I dated deliberately for several months. Some people were nice but not my boys. Some made fools of themselves within five minutes. I learned to walk away without guilt or explanation.
I was starting to get tired. But I made a promise to myself: no compromise. So I kept showing up.
Then there was Seth from Seattle. After matching online we continued messaging for several weeks. His profile mentioned how much he loved “PNW”. I had to Google what it meant—I thought it might be something sexual. This meant the Pacific Northwest.
He was fun to talk to and he made me laugh. Sometimes I would be silent for days, but every time I responded, it felt easier. Natural. He remembered details about my life. He was insecure about his past relationships. He could explain what he wanted.
When he invited me to dinner just over a month ago—he was coming to Arizona for a conference—I broke my only drinks rule. Something felt different about him.
Dinner happened, and so did all the clichés I had rolled my eyes at. “You’ll know when you know.” “It happens when you least expect it.” As soon as I got out of my car and saw him standing there, I realized it.
We sat together in the restaurant, talked for hours and I knew: This was an alignment I was not meant to create. We were on the same page and I had no trouble getting there.
Before he flew home, I called him from my car. “I wanted to make sure you knew how much I like you.” He said, “I like you too.”
That moment wasn’t about being chosen. It was about having the courage to choose and giving voice to it without performing or playing games.
I was proud of myself. Not to find love, but to do the work of loving yourself first. To say no to what doesn’t align. To look like me—exposed, unskillful, totally me.
I had learned that my professional strengths – connecting with people, creating security, facilitating vulnerability – could actually hurt me in dating. I was performing without even realizing it. Stay authentic even when auditioning. And it kept me from real connection.
Once I finished the job, I approached dating differently. I didn’t go on a date expecting him to like me. I came in hoping to find out if we were united. And I trusted myself so much that I walked away even when we weren’t there.
nothing worth having comes easy. Think about your career, the goals you have achieved, the commitments you have made. It took work. Daily efforts. Dating with intention is no different.
If I could tell that woman in the speakeasy anything, it would be this: Your professional skills are a gift. But on dates, they’re armor. You can’t create real intimacy when you’re engaged in a good conversation.
The right person won’t need you to be good at connecting. They will need to be honest with you about whether you are connected or not. And it needs to look raw – unpolished, poorly performed, ready to be seen.
Stop auditioning. Start choosing. The rest will follow.
About Gabriella Holt
After escaping domestic violence, Gabriella begins her self-love journey. After four years he met Seth. When breast cancer struck three years into their relationship, choosing yourself became a daily practice, not just survival. A Professional Certified Coach (PCC) and Founder of Golden Hour Life Coaching, she helps high achievers stop performing for love. Featured on the Finding the Unicorn in You podcast and at higher education conferences on resilience, she lives in Washington with Seth and Rookie. https://www.goldenhourlifecoaching.com/
