“A codependent person is someone who has allowed another person’s behavior to influence them and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” ~Melody Beatty
From a young age, I felt insecure about my skin. I was a highly sensitive child and subsequently, struggled with low self-esteem for most of my life.
Even though I had many friends and a great family, I was constantly looking for approval outside of myself. I grew up believing that the opinions of others were an accurate representation of my core values.
As a teenager, I witnessed the breakdown and eventual demise of my parents’ marriage. During these years, I felt very much like an island.
I was often plagued by a dark, mysterious sadness. Added to the growing pains of adolescence was the trauma of losing my family identity. In a desperate attempt to combat these negative feelings, I sought the approval of others; When this was not provided I felt like a failure.
I was trapped in a vicious cycle of seeking external validation of who I was. is enough.
In school, I adopted the boy-crazy-funny-girl role. I wanted to be loved, cherished and cherished.
I made a list of all the cute boys in my school and spent hours dreaming about a blissful, fairy tale love.
I constantly focused on finding happiness Outside My. Over time, this habitual practice led to an inability to remain satisfied until something or someone Was providing verification. Most of the time, I felt like I was Not very good.
This misplaced belief led me into a decade-long struggle with codependency.
My first codependent relationship started when I was nineteen years old. He was ten years older than me, and, at the time, I didn’t know that he was a cocaine addict.
Our daily routine was unhealthy and unproductive. We spent our weekends drinking and gambling at the local pool hall. Often, I would spend my entire weekly paycheck by the end of Saturday night.
He insulted me, called me names and constantly criticized my looks and weight. He compared me to his previous girlfriend. I began to see myself as an incomplete person, in need of major repairs and upgrades. I was so emotionally fragile that the wind could knock me over.
In a frantic attempt at self-preservation, I adopted many fear-based behaviors. I became crazy about her. I was controlling and jealous. I wanted to know everything about his past. I wanted so much for him to accept me.
In the ten months we spent together, I neglected my body and my mind. I lost an amazing thirty pounds. I was completely isolated from my family and friends. I developed severe anxiety and suffered terrible panic attacks. I knew something had to change, so I gathered my courage and left her behind.
I thought I had gotten rid of this unhealthy and unsatisfying lifestyle, but the bad habits carried over into my next two relationships.
I spent four years with a man I loved very much; However, his alcohol dependence brought back all my insecurities and controlling behavior.
We spent four years amidst wonderful loving moments and terrible physical fights that left us numb and sad.
When this relationship ended, I sought comfort in another unavailable partner who could not provide me with the stability I so desperately needed.
Such is the nature of a co-dependent person. We seek what is familiar to us, but not necessarily what is good for us.
After nearly a decade of logging codependent hours, I finally faced myself. I knew that if I didn’t make significant changes, I would be stuck forever in a life that would not be conducive to my spiritual and emotional growth.
In a similar scene to Elizabeth Gilbert eat Pray Love Bathroom broken, I had to face the music. I got myself a small apartment and began my recovery.
The first few days spent alone were absolute torture. I cried and cried. I was having trouble doing basic tasks like walking my dog or getting groceries. I had turned completely inward, cherishing my turmoil like an old friend. Wracked with anxiety and alone, I did the only thing I could think of: I asked for help.
The first step I took was to order Melody Beatty’s book codependent no more. This is possibly the most important self-improvement book I have ever read. As I was reading, page by page, I felt my weight gaining.
Finally, I was able to understand all the behaviors, feelings, and emotions I had been struggling with for so long. I was a textbook case, my highlighter confirmed it when I completed the “Codependency Checklist.” Perhaps some of these questions will be asked of you too.
- Do you feel responsible for other people—their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, and destiny?
- Do you feel obligated to try to help people solve their problems or take care of their feelings?
- Do you find it easier to feel and express anger at injustices done to others than injustices done to you?
- Do you feel most safe and comfortable when you are giving something to others?
- Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives you something?
- Do you feel empty, bored, and worthless if you have no one else to care for you, no problems to solve, or no crises to deal with?
- Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking, and worrying about other people and their problems?
- Do you lose interest in your life when you are in love?
- Do you stay in relationships that don’t work and tolerate abuse to keep people loving you?
- Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don’t work?
(You can read more about this Here are the habits and patterns of codependent people.)
After accepting my co-dependence, I joined an online support group for family members of drug addicts/alcoholics. This gave me a platform to share my story without judgment and slowly healed my hurting heart.
The most important things I learned on this trip are:
1. Nothing changes without change.
What a simple yet profound truth this is. This is reminiscent of Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The cycle of co-dependence can only be overcome by establishing and nurturing an intensely loving relationship with ourselves. Otherwise, you will constantly find yourself in unhealthy, co-dependent relationships.
2. We can’t control others, and it’s not our job to do so.
For years, I was constantly trying to control and micromanage other people’s behavior in an effort to avoid my own negative emotions.
I chose partners with alcohol and drug dependencies. Often, I chose angry and avoidant men. by focusing on what was what happened to themI could ignore what was empty and incomplete in me.
I naively thought this would give me a sense of stability. In fact, the opposite happened. Letting go of the need to control other people provides the space we need to connect with ourselves.
3. Love and passion are not the same.
For many years I falsely believed that love and passion were the same thing. I gave too much of myself to my partners, naively thinking that was the path to happiness.
I’ve learned that healthy love requires both partners to have unique, individual identities outside of the romantic relationship. Time alone, with friends, and working on personal projects allows you to really connect when you’re together, without feeling suffocated. We build trust when we give ourselves and our partners a little leeway.
For many years I neglected my needs. Now I prioritize personal time to do personal activities: reading, writing, walking, contemplating. Once I learned to incorporate self-love rituals into my life I began to heal. One of my favorite things is to spend the evening in a warm bubble bath, light some candles and listen to lectures by Alan Watts.
4. Life is not an emergency.
This is a big deal! I lived in a constant whirlpool of extreme stress – afraid of people, abandonment, and life itself.
I worried a lot about things that were out of my control – often, about other people. I now realize that the meaning of life is to enjoy and have fun. Good and bad things will happen, but with a focused and balanced heart we can overcome any obstacle.
The key to balance, for me, is to live each moment to the fullest, accepting life as it is. Even when I’m feeling down, I know that the universe helps me and everything in life is unfolding the way it should.
If you don’t hold this belief, remembering this may help. You You have your back, and you can handle whatever comes. When you trust yourself and focus on yourself instead of others, it becomes much easier to enjoy life and stop living in fear.
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I’ve assembled a group of super-hero coaches and teachers who have helped me tremendously over the years in my quest for self-improvement. I have received loving support and encouragement from many sources. It’s my dream to be able to give some of that back to the world. I hope I did that with this post.
About Ariane Michaud
When she’s not binging every foreign film she can get her hands on, Ariane loves being with her pug and running tirelessly towards self-gratification. Although she is highly organized, she is spontaneous when it comes to love.
